I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
