dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
