Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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