Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
