im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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