hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
