I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
