Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize