Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
