Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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