Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Everyone says I win the strip club
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
