This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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