I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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