I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
