My friends, they love my intelligence
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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