i will never coherently bang her
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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