woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize