Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
