we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
