I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
