I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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