haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
