We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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