I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
