I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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