there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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