My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
