For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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