just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
