I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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