So drunk its hurt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
