I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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