i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
