we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize