last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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