it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
