I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
