New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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