so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
