you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
