there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm at about main and main street
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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