If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
