Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
