the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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