I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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