The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
