It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
