Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
