I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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