Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
