Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
