my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
