I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I will be naked everywhere
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
