It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
